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This Mother’s Day, many of us bought flowers, booked spa days or took mom out for lunch. But behind the scenes, there may be a quieter kind of giving happening: topping up her electricity, quietly covering her medications, or slipping a little cash into her grocery money.
Supporting ageing parents financially is more common than we talk about. It’s an act of love, yes, but it’s also an act of planning, setting boundaries, and having honest conversations about money.
Here’s how to navigate the emotional and financial weight of helping your parents in retirement without sinking your own ship in the process.
Start with the money talk
Sure, it’s tempting to avoid it. Many children tiptoe around financial conversations with their parents because they feel awkward or intrusive. But avoidance almost always leads to bigger problems down the line.
The goal is to approach this talk with respect and compassion, not control. After all, you’re working with your parents, not taking over. Start by gently finding out what their income sources are - pensions, investments, rental income - and whether there are any debts, monthly shortfalls, or hidden financial worries. A simple conversation starter like, “Can we sit down and look at your monthly costs together?” can open the door without making anyone feel defensive.
It’s important to think long-term too. Setting targets for the next five, ten, or fifteen years can help everyone feel more prepared. Talk about when they might need more assistance, whether downsizing is an option, and what big-ticket health costs could come up in future. If they already have a financial adviser, now’s the time to involve them and get a clear sense of how long their money will last and where the pressure points might be.
Help them create (or fix) a budget
For many retirees, monthly spending is a bit of a mystery. Over time, costs creep in silently (an old debit order here, a clothing account there, a subscription no one’s used in years) and before you know it, there’s more month than money.
Once you’ve got the lay of their land financially, it’s time to build a realistic monthly budget. Perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind during this process is that a good budget isn’t a spreadsheet you do once and forget about - it’s a living thing. Life changes, needs shift, and unexpected costs will come up. The goal isn’t perfection, but clarity and oversight.
A solid monthly budget should include the basics, but it also needs to account for what we call the “quiet costs”; things that don’t show up every month but always roll around eventually. Think car services and licences, specialist medical visits, new clothes, birthday and Christmas gifts, holiday plans, even bonuses for domestic staff. That’s where an annual budget becomes powerful. Spread those costs out over the year so they don’t sneak up and throw everything off balance.
As you track spending each month, build in a little buffer for the unplanned. A category labelled “surprises” can be the difference between panic and peace. And if your parents are prone to impulse spending, consider using cash for categories like groceries or entertainment. Physically handing over notes makes you more mindful of how much you have than tapping a card or clicking “add to cart.”
If your parents have a financial advisor, bring them into this process. They can help model different budget scenarios, forecast expenses over time, and provide a neutral voice when tricky trade-offs come up. And if there’s no financial advisor in the picture, there are budgeting apps like Spendee and Vault22 that can help you build a budget together that actually works and sticks. If you prefer to run your budget in a spreadsheet, check out the 1Life Monthly Budget Planner. You can use it to create and download your own personalised budget spreadsheet.
Bottom line: managing your parents’ retirement spending isn’t about cutting back on everything. It’s about making sure the money they do have is doing what it needs to, month after month.
Don’t shoulder it alone - bring in the siblings
Helping ageing parents can feel overwhelming financially, emotionally, and mentally. But you don’t have to (and shouldn’t) do it alone. It’s important to bring the whole family into the picture.
Organise a family money meeting, even if it has to happen over a video call. Talk honestly about who can contribute what. Support doesn’t always have to mean handing over cash. One sibling might help with groceries, another might drive them to doctor’s appointments, and another could take on financial admin or research government benefits. Emotional labour like checking in regularly, handling paperwork, and making medical decisions is real labour too. It’s fair (and necessary) to spread that load.
Protect your own financial future while you help
Helping out is an act of love, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of your own security. It’s essential to protect your emergency fund, keep your debt in check, and continue building your own savings even while you’re helping your parents.
One practical way to do this is by setting a clear monthly "support budget". Know what you can sustainably afford to give, and stick to it. Say yes where you can, but make sure it’s a sustainable yes, not a sacrificial one. Remember: you can’t help them long-term if you burn out financially or emotionally now.
Being realistic about what you can and can’t do isn't selfish; it’s strategic. Long-term love means putting your own oxygen mask on first so that you can stay in the game and help them for years to come.
Real love is long-term support, not just the Sunday roast
Even small first steps, like a conversation, a shared budget, or a simple WhatsApp group for family updates, can shift the dynamic. Mother’s Day might be behind us, but there's always time to give mom one more gift: a conversation that could change her life!